just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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