She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
