Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
