hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
