i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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