I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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