This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
