also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
