Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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