just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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