The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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