First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
