she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
