You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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