you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
