My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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