Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
