She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
