My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
