I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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