You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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