Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
