Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
