Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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