My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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