I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
