Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
