DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
