puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
