I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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