why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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