I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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