Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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