I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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