My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
