im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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