last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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