How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
