Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
