You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
