It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
