I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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