God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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