I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
