Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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