You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
