i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Randomize
