mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
