My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
