I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
