i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
