70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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