Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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