Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
