Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
