Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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