um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
