there's paper in my vomit.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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