Christians are straight up FREAKS
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
